The Art of Authentic Charm in Relationships and the Workplace

Inspired By  Jordan Harbinger
1 hour

Quick Summary

For me personally, it's nice to hear people verbalise what a lot of us experience in our own lives. It then either can give us a little more confidence that we are on the right track and continue what we are doing or tweak our behaviours to improve our experiences with those around us. This is one of those interviews which I really enjoyed for that very reason. 

The first half of the interview gives you an introduction to Jordan Harbinger and some interesting stories that are good to listen to get an understanding of the authentic place that he is coming from. The second half dives into the real content, concepts and tips that have been written below. 

The art of charm is really a process of unlearning a lot of crap that you’ve picked up over your life so far. It’s not about adding layers on your personality but a subtractive process. It does take a lot longer and you have to be very open or it’s not going to happen if you’re simply looking for some tricks. 

First Impressions

First impressions are not made when you decide to make them. First impressions are made when you become a blip on someone's radar. 

Women are very aware of who’s in their environment. They evolved that way. It’s a safety concern as well as a sexual reproductive concern. 

This often happens subconsciously for women and here's an example. A group of guys come into a bar,  sit down and then notice the women in the room. The women, on the other hand, noticed them as soon as they came into the bar. The guys have a few drinks to build confidence and eventually go over to the women and start up a conversation. Now the women have already on some level, subconscious or not, made their decision about then men when they first walked in. If the men walked in with hands in pockets, hunched over… and took time before they came over to chat with the women, this is already signalling to the women that these men really are not bold enough. All of this gets taken into consideration for the woman. If however, the men had walked in confidently, noticed the women and taken action, the women would have been much more impressed and the outcome would be much more successful. 

This is just the same for business and generally every time you meet new people. 

Tips for making better first impressions (plant the seeds for good habits)

Every time you walk through a doorway straighten up your spine, chin up, chest out (not exaggerated). An upright confident posture (a string pulling up from the top of your head). A smile on your face is a really important part of this drill because it makes you open and engaging. 

Do this not only at work but even in your own house, your bedroom door, your front door… If you do this when no one is looking it starts to change your physiology and becomes a habit. 

You want to get to the place where you’re no longer thinking about it so next time you go to a bar or walk into a coffee shop and see a business associate you’ve already got the body posture, smile and confidence as a habit and this is what people will pick up as the first impression. 

Master the non-verbals - make them an internal process, not only are you going to start feeling more confident but people are going to start treating you differently and that’s the beginning of the positive feedback loop we are trying to communicate when it comes to non-verbal communication. 

Eye contact

Most people are terrible at eye contact. They are looking at the ground, looking out the window and when you fix that, people become much more engaging, much more present and much more charismatic.  

Tips for having better eye contact (plant the seeds for good habits)

Look everybody in the eye, just long enough to notice their eye colour. What this does is take the pressure off any weird anxiety you may feel. You don’t want to be intense or give the death stare. 

Sales and selling you

To become successful in business you need to master the art of selling your product. A big part of that is people buying you. You need to sell your product in 30 seconds in a way where people really get it. 

You could have a far more superior product than your competitor but if you can’t sell that product effectively your competitor will do better than you. You need to close a deal in 30 seconds, no longer. 

People buy you because they like and trust you 

The airport rule

If you’re looking at someone's resume and see they are qualified, the reason you want to get to know them is to see if they are going to get along with everyone. The airport rule is ‘Can I stand this person's company if I’m stuck on a layover with them for 12 hours?’ If the answer is no then they will not be hired. If nobody wants to work with you, it screws up everything and can cost a lot of money.

The difference between men and women in the workplace

For dating the skills are completely different for women and men. In a business environment, they are largely the same. 

Women need to be aware of the balance between their masculine and feminine roles. Have a listen to John Gray’s interview on how to keep your hormones in balance in today’s modern day world. It is really helpful for women in the business world.

Women are much more adaptive - 'What do I need to give this person right now in this situation? Who do I need to be right now?' and choose your role in a given situation?

For men, they know they need to be nice to this person because they’re a kid and they’re going to cry, or this employee only responds to this... 

For women in the workplace, they need to know ‘Does this person need a foot in the butt or do they need a little hand holding and nurturing?' because women are really uniquely suited to be more adaptable than men are in these roles. 

If you’re a mid to high-level woman manager in the workplace, you’ll want to nurture the development of the younger team members but crack the whip when necessary. It’s knowing what role to be at any given time. This is one of the best skills a woman can develop as a manager. To know the difference when to nurture and when to crack the whip. 

What are your top 3 recommendations for how to perform better at life? (doesn’t have to be about the art of charm)

1 - Stick to your calendar religiously
Every 15 mins of Jordan’s working day is scheduled. This makes him super productive. 

2 - Make intro’s using Soundcloud
Jordan makes a lot of introductions to people. Instead of sending an email, saying ‘Hi…, I’m cc'ing my friend… I think he would be a great connection for you and your show… Here’s a little about … and a little about…’

When you send an email you really have no feel for the other person so Jordan use’s Soundcloud. He records the introduction because it’s a lot more personal. You hear how people get described and the vocal tonality and the non-vocal communication really comes into play and you start to get a vibe for the person. 

This results in a much higher success rate. People accept the introductions a lot more. You can try an unlisted YouTube intro too. It will really change the impact you have on those people too as they will remember you more because they remember your voice rather than ‘someone introduced us on email a while back...' 

3 - Line Two App
A  number that you give to everybody. You don’t want to be giving your personal mobile to everyone so if someone turns out to be a weirdo then they don’t have your personal number. You can turn them off, block them, the voice mail will email you. It’s like having a second phone that meshes into your own phone. This way you don’t have to pre-screen people. You can just let anyone call. 


Feeling Inspired by this article? Use the notes functionality to write your answer

What are some takeaways from this article that you could apply in your own life to expand and grow your own authentic charm? There is room to have some fun with this answer ;-)

Part of my priming for the day is to do the Wonder Woman stance in the shower. The science behind that is real in the effects it can have on you physiologically. Oh yes it is! My daughter prefers Bat Girl stance which we made up to be the Victory stance, which if you can imagine, is Elvis Presley with one arm pointing up and the other with the hand on the hip. It's a great scientifically proven confidence boost, perfect to also do just before a date or meeting!

Interview by Dave Asprey - Bulletproof

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